A new project.

Okay, I give in. I’ve been un-creative all week because my energy has been focused on one thing: I’m pregnant.

It’s the first time I’ve been pregnant, and I didn’t really believe it was possible after so many years of not getting pregnant (intentionally so, but still). Earlier this year when I thought I might be pregnant by accident I felt like a deer in headlights, but I’ve gotten used to the idea since then.

I found out about a week ago, and it’s still sinking in. At first I was sure I would get my period on schedule, despite the mounting pile of positive cheap pregnancy tests in my bathroom. Now I’m sure I’ll have a miscarriage, but I know the odds aren’t in favor of that. Instead, it’s highly likely we’ll be making room in our apartment for a baby in about eight months.

I’ve had a day or two of terror. I like my life now. It involves a lot of freedom and fun. I don’t feel any moral duty to breed. I don’t think it’s immoral either, I just don’t think the world has any particular need for my offspring. And I don’t feel confident that having children will make my life happier. I suspect that biological forces are brainwashing us into wanting to have children, but I can’t do anything about it. The forces pushing us towards having kids feel inexorable. It’s going to happen, and it’s too late for second-guessing.

On the other hand, it also feels like the most fun project I’ve ever taken on. I cannot wait for all of the new interesting experiences that are coming, and there are so many new things to learn. I think we are going to have loads and loads of fun. And I’m lucky to have a husband who, in addition to other good qualities, is exceptionally patient, reliable, and even-tempered. (He can’t exactly say the same about me, but he’s taking his chances). I feel really sure that he will be a good partner, and a good parent.

So. It’s interesting. And taking up a lot of my brainspace. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next two months. Work is slow, and I hope it picks up so that I have something to distract me until we can start telling people and planning.

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